


In Vain

by acme146



Series: Team Goddamnit John [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Cas Made A Mistake, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enochian, Good Brother Sam, Good brother Castiel, I don't care if that's outdated, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Lucifer (Supernatural) Being an Asshole, M/M, Misunderstandings, Schmoop, Sharing a Bed, Spoilers for S4 Onward, Team Free Will, Team Free Will Big Bang 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-04 03:26:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12160563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acme146/pseuds/acme146
Summary: Cas gets out his frustrations about the Winchesters’ past in a creative way. A simple phrase in Enochian, that sums up what he sees as the root of the problem. It’s a good way to blow off steam. The trouble really starts when Dean starts to repeat it. Then Sam.Then they start saying it around people who understand it.





	1. A Quiet Word (That Didn't Stay Quiet)

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my contribution to the Team Free Will Bang of 2017! I'm excited; are you excited?  
> I actually found the Enochian for this on a site called www.sinleb.com/enochian. No idea if that is super official or anything, but I needed something. You will see :)  
> Any text you recognize is from the show (in italics).  
> Also, the art for this work was done by the lovely majesticduxk, and here is the link: http://majesticduxk.tumblr.com/post/165809023827/i-was-lucky-enough-to-get-to-do-art-for  
> Enjoy!

            Cas was, for most of the millennia of his life, a wavelength of celestial intent. He was a strong soldier, good and obedient (though not always of his own volition). And he was not given to profanity of any kind.

            But the Enochian language was rich, and despite it being the language of angels it was remarkably profane. Even stringing certain words together was considered horribly rude. But Cas never felt the need to use bad language, so his knowledge of these phrases should have been kept in his head.

            Unfortunately, when he met the Winchesters Cas found reason to create a profanity of his own. He could have kept it in English, but it was far more satisfying in Enochian; a stream of indignant vowels if it were written out in English.

            At any rate, Cas should never have opened his mouth. He should have kept his thoughts to himself, and kept the swearing quiet.

            But he didn’t.

            The words didn’t slip out every time he thought them, but there were some nights that he sat beside Dean’s bed or stood outside Sam’s room at Bobby’s house or sat in the back seat, listening to the brothers argue, and he muttered it quietly under his breath.

            It was Dean that heard him first.

            It had been a long day, and they were no closer to stopping Lilith. Dean was working on his car and Cas was watching him. Sam was off with Ruby; Cas could see it in Dean’s slumping shoulders.

            “Dean, you are doing everything you can,” Cas said.  

            “I’m supposed to look after him,” Dean snapped back. “When the fuck did I ever teach him it was okay to fuck around with a demon?” He set down the wrench.

            “You are not responsible for his actions.”

            “If I hadn’t left him he wouldn’t have been alone. I could have stopped him. I _should_ have stopped him. That’s my damn job.”  

            The curse slipped out before he stop it.

            “Ualolarina Nolil!”

            Dean jerked up and banged his head. “Ouch! Cas, what the hell did you just say?”

            “Nothing,” Cas said quickly.

            “Yeah right, angel. Come on, spill! I think I’ve heard you say that before once or twice.”

            He had. Cas thought frantically.

            “It’s Enochian.”

            “I figured that much. What’s it mean?”

            “The translation to English isn’t exactly…it does not convey the meaning properly.”

            “Give it a shot.”

            “It means…it is an expression of rage, usually when something is unfair or unbearably frustrating.” There, that was close enough to the truth.

            “Kind of like ‘son of a bitch?’”

            Cas smiled before he could stop himself. “Very like,” he agreed.

            Dean nodded, and turned the conversation back to the Impala. Cas went over and stood next to Dean as he patiently explained the problem. Cas hoped that would be the end of the conversation.

            But of course, it wasn’t.

            ********

            It was months later, the Apocalypse had begun, and Sam Winchester lay barely conscious in the panic room. Dean had gone to get some air, so Cas went in to check on the man. The demon blood was out of his system, but Sam was still trembling as Cas undid the cuffs.

            “Can you sit up, Sam?”

            It took Cas’ help, but Sam did manage to sit up. Cas supported him and gave him a glass of water. Sam drained it, leaning heavily on Cas.

            “Do you want more?”

            “Probably not a good idea,” Sam rasped. He’d been screaming for hours. “I don’t want to throw up.”

            Cas let a bit of his Grace flow into Sam, giving him a bit of strength. Sam flinched, and stared at him. “Cas, what was that?”

            “My apologies, I should have asked.”

            “It’s not…bad. It feels good. But is that your Grace?”

            “Yes. I thought it might help.”

            “But it’s your Grace. You don’t have much left.”

            “I have enough to help you, Sam. Don’t worry.”

            “You shouldn’t waste it on me.”

            “You are not a waste,” Cas said sternly, having heard the unspoken words.

            Sam laughed bitterly. “Cas, I was born to be the Devil’s vessel. I played right into Hell and Heaven’s hands; they hardly had to do anything. I just came down from a demon blood purge for the second time in my life, and I’ve left a trail of bodies in my wake. Of course I’m a waste. Azazel knew what he was doing. He chose right.”

            There were tears in Sam’s eyes, and before he could stop himself Cas wiped them away and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “You are my friend, Sam Winchester. You fought tonight against a powerful addiction, and you conquered it and _Famine_ , Sam. I was powerless, and you destroyed him. Heaven and Hell have taken advantage of your nature, this is true, but you are not inherently wrong. Azazel had no idea that he was choosing the man who will destroy the very Devil he was born to serve. I believe in you, Sam.”

            Sam’s smile wobbled, but it was still a smile. “Never thought I’d…I’d hear that. Figured Dean was the only one who still might.”

            Cas placed his hand on Sam’s forehead, his other arm still around Sam’s shoulder. “Go to sleep, Sam. We all believe in you.” He willed Sam into a peaceful sleep, risking a bit more Grace to put up wards against Lucifer. If the Devil was determined, he might still get in, but he’d done all he could.

            Sam fell asleep, his face relaxing, and Cas watched as he sank into sleep. This brave, _good_ man. He’d played his part when they met; dismissed him, ignored him, did his best to steer Sam towards Ruby and his destiny. Cas had believed that this would stop Lilith, and by the time he realized his mistake, he’d feared it was too late to undo the damage he’d done.

            There was other damage done to this man, wounds older than their relationship.

            “Ualolarina Nolil,” he muttered. “I can’t undo what you did, but I will do my best to cause him no more harm.”

 

**Gabriel**

_“And for the record? This isn't about some prize fight between your brothers or some destiny that can't be stopped. This is about you being too afraid to stand up to your family.”_ Dean hit the fire alarm and the sprinklers went off. Cas watched his trapped brother will the water to turn to something that would actually put out an oil fire.

            “Ualolarina Nolil!” Dean swore, and was about to head out the door when Gabriel called out.

            “Language, Dean! Where’d you hear that one?”

            Cas’ eyes widened.

            “Cas taught us,” Sam said, still glaring at the Trickster.

            Gabriel nodded. “Maybe you’d better listen to him more. He teaches you good things.” He tipped Cas a wink as the last of the holy fire was extinguished, and he vanished.

            Sam raised an eyebrow at Cas. “What did he mean, Cas?”

            “It’s a useful phrase,” Cas said. “And a deeper understanding of Enochian may be useful to you both. I can teach you more this afternoon, if you like?” He’d missed his friends badly, and sharing his language was a good way to do that.

            And if it was also a way to subtly lead them away from areas of the language that might tell them what he was really saying, all to the good.

            Gabriel came to him a few nights later. “Do you really think this is a good idea, Cas?” he said.

            Cas turned away. “You clearly don’t think so. You made that clear.”

            “They don’t really have a choice, Castiel.”

            “They do!” Cas snapped. “They do as long as I am here. I’ll do whatever it takes to give them a chance to choose. No one else has ever done that for them!”

            Gabriel sighed. “They’re not supposed to have you for that.”

            “Father brought me back. That was for a reason. Why else if not to help them?”

            “You’re as stubborn as you were as a fledgling.”

            “I’ve changed in other ways,” Cas said, turning his back. “Not that you would know.”

            He knew those words would hurt. He didn’t care.

            “I’ll think about it,” Gabriel said at last.

            “You will?”

            But the archangel was gone.

 

**Balthazar**

When Cas met with Balthazar after the disastrous Titanic incident, the other angel’s eyes were dancing with mirth.

            “Hello Cassie! That was a bit of a mistake, wasn’t it?”

            “Yes, it wasn’t the right way to go about getting more souls. I never meant to cause Sam and Dean more pain.” The look of agony in Sam and Dean’s faces when they realized that Ellen and Jo would have to die again…Cas had been grateful for his invisibility. “Nor did I realize that Fate would get quite so…insistent.”

            “She’s always been a bit of a bitch,” Balthazar said amiably. “But she’s better than her sisters. No, Cas, that’s not quite what I’m talking about.” His smirk widened. “Dean said something interesting today.”

            “Oh?”

            “Ualolarina Nolil,” Balthazar said slowly and deliberately, letting every syllable ring on its own. “What on _Earth_ does that mean, Cassie?”

            “You know what it means, brother.” Cas couldn’t meet his eyes. “It…slipped out.”

            “I imagine it did! Dean said it quite well. Screamed it at me. I almost asked him if he was having hallucinations—”

            “Did you tell him?!”

            “Of course I didn’t! I assumed he didn’t know the translation, because it was rather out of context. Sam told him so, though I doubt he knows its exact definition.” Balthazar’s face darkened. “He’s got a better grasp of Enochian.”

            Cas shuddered. He knew that; Sam talked in his sleep now, and every so often Enochian would come out. Sam still had no memories of the Cage, but the words he spoke in Enochian were ones of darkness, pain and hate.

            “He won’t know those words.”

            “You better pray to wherever our absent father may be that he doesn’t find out on his own,” Balthazar said, still unusually serious. “Both of them; they’ve got their own journey to go on to face that. To face him.”

            “Do you think I’m wrong to say it?”

            Balthazar stared at him incredulously. “Of course not! I don’t know that history as well as you do, but I’ve seen enough. Besides…” and he smirked again. “Is it all that different to them saying ‘motherfucker’?”

            He flew away before Cas could retort.

 

**Cain**

The Father of Murder faced off against Cas. “I will kill Dean Winchester. Your little blade can’t stop me. I even _like_ the man. And that won’t stop me.”

            “Why?” Cas whispered.

            “He’ll be better off for it,” Cain said. He looked sad, suddenly, ancient and sad. “He’s never going to get over the burden of his past, no matter how many times he curses his begetter, unknowingly or not. He is a good man. I will make his death quick and painless, I promise you that.”

            “Dean wants to live. Despite…despite everything.”

            “He will change his mind when the Mark takes over. Why do you think you thirst for blood when you carry it?” Cain took a step forward. “You can’t take your own life, so you take the lives of others. It wasn’t about Lucifer after a while. Even the pleasure faded away. It’s death, Castiel. Watching people die…it’s like you get to feel a little dead yourself. Loving him won’t save him, Castiel.”

            Cas raised his blade. “I can try.”

            _“Sorry, Castiel. You’re not on my list.”_

**Lucifer**

Cas panicked as he fought the Devil. Sam and Dean were doing their best, but Rowena’s spell was taking too long. And if Lucifer did go back…did they have a chance?

            But Sam couldn’t say yes. He would never truly consent, and even if he did, being possessed by Lucifer would break down what little healing Sam had managed in the last few years.

            Cas had left him vulnerable to Lucifer before twice, first by leaving his soul in the Cage, then by taking down the wall.

            He would not leave Sam to face the Devil alone again.

            When Lucifer had Dean ( _not Dean either, no!)_ he slammed into his brother, letting Dean go free. He let Lucifer knock him down, let him think that he’d won.

            _“Last words?”_

_“Can you really beat her?”_

_“I can.”_

_“Then yes.”_

In the split second before they merged, Cas wondered if angels could indeed be possessed.

            He found out they could.

            ********

            Cas watched in agony as Lucifer faced Dean.

            _“And then, teaming up with you two. I mean, I thought you boys were insufferable as mortal enemies, but working with you. That's the soul crusher.”_

“What did you do to him?!” Dean screamed.

            “What?” Lucifer asked. “Oh. You precious little angel is fine. Even after that little **stunt** he pulled, stopping me from killing your baby brother.” He tossed a contemptuous look at Sam and squeezed his Grace more firmly around Cas. **You used up your chance, little brother. Now you can watch Dean die first.**

Before Lucifer could strike, Sam screamed at him. “Ualolarina Nolil!”

            Lucifer blinked. “Sam, I know you have Daddy issues that _almost_ outpace mine, but your father has nothing to do with this situation. He’s gone.”

            “What?” The confusion on Sam’s face broke Cas’ heart.

            **You don’t have a heart, idiot. Although you act as stupidly as if you had one.** Lucifer raised his eyebrow. “You don’t…” he started to laugh. “You don’t know what that means?”

            “Funnily enough, we don’t have the exact translation!” Sam snapped.

            Lucifer was still laughing. “Have you been saying it too?” he asked Dean, who was still pinned against the wall. He tossed away the useless Hand of God. “Not that you haven’t earned the right, but—”

            “Quit acting smart and just tell us if you think it’s so funny!”

            “Goddamnit, John.”

            The room went silent. Dean’s face twisted with pain. Cas wanted to look away, but Lucifer forced him to continue watching.

            “Goddamnit, John,” Lucifer repeated, glancing back at Sam with a smirk. “And I have a feeling that doesn’t refer to any of the St. Johns, what about you, Sammy?”

            “No,” Sam replied. His face was blank, his voice expressionless. “No, it doesn’t.”

            “And Castiel’s been letting you say it without telling you what it means.” Lucifer tutted. “Shame on you, Castiel. Letting your humans curse their father without knowing it. You need to be a responsible pet owner.”

            **They’re not my pets. They’re my family.**

**I know, but they don’t. And they don’t care about you. And now they’re going to hate you. Look at Dean.**

And Cas did. He looked into the face of the man he loved, loved so much he knew it would kill him one day and loved him anyways, and saw pain, confusion, and betrayal.

            “And you claim to be in love with Dean,” Lucifer said mercilessly.

            Cas writhed in Lucifer’s grip.

            Then he felt the violent push of a sigil from behind—clever, brave Sam—and heard Lucifer’s cry of rage before he was submerged in his brother’s Grace again, and was blissfully alone.

            *****

            Cas felt the pain of Amara’s attacks very dimly. He was aware of them stopping, and…was that Sam’s voice? And Metatron? Then they were moving, and safe in the Impala, and then the Bunker…and a presence he hadn’t felt in millennia was standing in front of him.

            _Father._

It was Chuck, and Cas could barely hear his brother’s words. But he felt it when his Father raised his hand and pushed power into him, felt his Grace mending and his wings, his _wings_ were healing, and he couldn’t feel Lucifer anymore…

            He opened his eyes and saw his Father, saw Sam and Dean staring in astonishment and fear, saw Lucifer standing beside him in his first vessel once more.

            “Castiel.” His Father’s voice was soft. “Get some rest. We will speak later.”

            Automatically Cas moved to obey, but he stumbled. Dean’s arms caught him, lifted him, and then Sam was there on the other side.

            “Easy, Cas, we’ve got you.” Dean was soothing, arms strong and sure around him.

            “Dean, Sam…”

            “It’s okay, Cas.” They were in Dean’s room, they were laying him on Dean’s bed. “Go to sleep,” Sam continued, tucking him in.

            “Stay.” He wouldn’t have said it if he was any stronger, but he had nothing left to stop himself. “Both of you, please.”

            He felt the brothers lay down on either side of him. “We’re here, angel,” Dean whispered. “Go to sleep, everything’s going to be okay.”

            Cas wasn’t sure he believed Dean, but he was too tired to disobey. As he closed his eyes, he felt Dean wrap an arm around him.

 

[1] [www.sinleb.com/enochian](http://www.sinleb.com/enochian)

 


	2. A Battle Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas, Sam and Dean have a very important talk.  
> And then Cas and Dean have another one.

When Cas woke up he kept his eyes closed. He felt stronger than he had in years, but the idea of opening his eyes, of facing the Winchesters, made him feel about three inches tall.

            Dean’s arm was still around him, and Sam’s was too. Cas tried to repress a shiver of fright. What were they planning? What would they do to him, now that they knew what he’d done? Not only had he let Lucifer into their home, let him hurt them, but he’d been lying to them seven years about a curse, one they’d tossed around casually in front of several beings who knew exactly what it meant.

            Cas knew that Sam and Dean’s relationship with their father was complicated. He knew they were grappling with that admirably. And what had he done? He spat on that effort without telling them for _seven years._

            They would never forgive him. So why were they still here?  
            “Cas?” It was Dean. “Are you awake?”

            Cas opened his eyes slowly. “Hello Dean,” he said. His throat was hoarse.

            “How you feeling?” Sam asked, rubbing his shoulder.

            “I am well,” Cas replied. He tried to shift, but Dean’s arm tightened. “You need not hold back.

            “Cas, what are you talking about?”

            “You’re angry. You have a right to be angry. Go ahead, I can take it.”

            “We’re not angry about Lucifer, Cas. We’re angry at ourselves.”

            “What?” Cas looked up at Dean. “Why?”

            “Why?” Dean laughed, but there was no humour in it. “Cas, we let you feel useless. We let you feel like we didn’t care.”

            “And because of that you said yes to the Devil.” Sam’s voice was quiet. “And I know how awful that is, and I’m sorry you had to go through it.”

            “I couldn’t let him force you to go through that again,” Cas whispered back. He put his hand on top of Sam’s. “I wanted to spare you that pain. I never should have let him hurt you.”

            “You stopped him, Cas. Believe me, I know how hard that is.” Cas felt Sam swallow. “I couldn’t stop him from killing you, and I tried.”

            “You stopped him in the end,” Cas whispered. He cleared his throat. “So…you two are not angry with me?”

            “No. You should have told us that you felt so lonely, Cas. We’re not the most emotionally enlightened people.” Dean hugged him a little closer. “But you’re ours, okay? That means something to both of us, it always has.”

            “And we’re so sorry we ever let you feel anything different,” Sam added. “We’ll work on that in the future.”

            Cas closed his eyes, trying to fight tears. Dean tucked his head under his chin, and Sam rubbed his shoulder as he struggled to calm himself.

            “Thank you,” Cas said eventually, wiping his eyes. “You are both important to me, I promise that.” Not in the same way, perhaps, but Cas didn’t have the strength to go into that today. He had his limits.

            “Is that why you say Ualolarina Nolil?” Sam asked.

            Cas froze. “I…yes. May I explain?”

            “Go ahead.”

            “Angels do not have the same concepts of privacy as humans do. We watched over you from afar when you were young, and didn’t realize that it was wrong. And when I rebuilt you after your time in Hell, Dean…I saw more.”

            Dean didn’t say anything.

           “I saw every memory you ever had. I saw the harsh words, I saw the beatings you hid from Sam, the drunkenness, the abandonment. I watched a grown man place his burdens one by one on a child’s shoulders. I saw him forced to care for his brother like a father, and I saw him rise to meet that challenge in an astounding way.”

           Cas turned to look at Sam. “When you were in Heaven, Sam, I saw your memories. I saw your confusion, your hurt. I saw the moments you saw through Dean’s lies about hunger and pretended to be full, I saw the beatings you hid from Dean. And I saw you continue to be kind even as you pulled away. I saw you find the strength to try and save yourself, and I saw you come back to this life on your own terms.”

           Sam and Dean shared a look.  

          “I know that you love your father, whether he deserves it or not. I know that you still feel grateful to him for some things that he did. But as your friend, I can also see the ways he twisted you and put burdens of insecurity and pain on your shoulders that no one ever took from you. And I could not stand by and say nothing. So I lashed out at him the only way I knew how, and then I let you continue to say the phrase even when I knew you had no idea of its significance. I am sorry, but I am not sorry for the feelings that prompted those words.”

          Silence fell again. Cas could barely hear the brothers breathing.

          Suddenly Sam crushed him against his chest, arms shaking. “Thank you,” he gasped. “Thank you…”

          Dean was holding onto him too, and he was embraced between the brothers, held securely.

         “I don’t understand,” Cas managed. “You are happy?”

          Sam laughed; it sounded like a sob. “Of course we are. Dean and I—you know, we’ve been trying to sort that out for years, and you just—you just said it.”

         “We thought it wasn’t fair to complain,” Dean added, voice muffled. “We had a living parent, he gave us skills to survive.”

          “At the cost of your self-esteem, security and childhood. He’s not a good man.” Cas looked up at them both. “You owe him nothing. He gave you life, but so did your mother. And your mother died for you, while your father treated you like burdens. You owe him _nothing_.”

          “It’s going to take a while for us to believe that, Cas,” Sam answered. “But I think—I think we might, someday.”

          “In the meantime,” Dean said, “we’ll…we’ll keep saying it. We’ll sort out what he’s to blame for, and we’ll work to make sure we’re more honest with each other.” He looked at Sam. “He said if he beat me he wouldn’t touch you.”

          "Said the same thing to me,” Sam replied. “I guess that’s one way to keep kids in order.”

          “Not ours,” Dean said fervently. “Never ours.”

           Cas relaxed. Sam and Dean weren’t angry with him, they might actually address their trauma, and Lucifer was gone…

            No. He wasn’t gone.

            Cas bolted up, banging his head on Dean’s jaw.

            “Ow, Cas! What the fuck?”

            “Lucifer and my…my father are here?” Cas wasn’t sure now, but the look on Dean’s face confirmed it.

            “Yeah, it’s…he’s Chuck, Cas.”

            Cas closed his eyes. “I didn’t know.”

            “He did it on purpose. He didn’t want to be found.” Dean’s mouth was set in a hard line.

            “Lucifer’s on a leash,” Sam added. “Hopefully not literally. But Chuck said we’re safe, and we’re all going to work together to fight the Darkness.” He stood up. “I’ll go see what’s going on and start breakfast, okay? You still like your eggs over-easy, Cas?”

            “Thank you, Sam.”

            “Don’t wreck my new pan, Sammy. Again.”

            Sam flipped Dean off, gave Cas one last smile, then headed out the door.

            “Will he be alright?” Cas asked Dean.

            “He’s got more faith in your Dad than I do,” Dean said. “And even I know that Chuck will keep Lucifer away from him. I’ll kill him otherwise.”

            “Which one?”

            “Whichever one is less effective at protecting you and Sam,” Dean said.

“Isn’t that obvious?”

“I don’t know about that.” He got off the bed and pulled Cas to his feet. He didn’t let go of his hand right away. “Cas…what Lucifer said. About how you felt about me.”

            Cas had hoped Dean had forgotten about that. “Yes.”

            “Was it true?”               

            “Yes.”

            Dean swallowed, looking at the ground. “I…” then his head snapped up. “Goddamnit, John.”

            He yanked Cas towards him and into a kiss. Cas closed his eyes and kissed back with everything he had.

            Dean pulled away entirely too soon for Cas’ liking, panting heavily. “Been wanting to do that for ages.”

            “Me as well,” Cas admitted, letting his fingers curl into Dean’s hair. He pulled the hunter close again, kissing him more slowly this time.

            Dean was smiling when they stopped again. “Come on angel. Let’s go stop the Darkness.”

            “You…you don’t love her?” Dean’s words had nearly killed him, though Lucifer hadn’t let that show.

            “Never,” Dean said fiercely. “I don’t think she’s all bad, and she…pulls me in this weird way, but I don’t want her. I want you, Cas. Is that okay?”

            Cas kissed him. He figured that got his point across better.


	3. Team Free Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything's starting to settle down, but Sam and Dean give Cas some support.

Sam had finished the eggs when Dean and Cas joined him. “Orange juice?” he asked. “Or coffee?”

            “I’ll get coffee. What do you want, sunshine?”

            Sam’s eyes widened. “Wait—did you two—finally!” He slammed the frying pan on the table and swept them both into a hug. “You’re finally together!”

            “Wait, how long did you know?” Dean complained.

            Sam tapped his mouth thoughtfully. “Gee, was it when you freaked out when Cas came back from Purgatory? Or when Cas gave up an army for you? Or maybe…maybe it was when you and Bobby came back from that barn and you were completely _twitter-pated_ and said ‘Sammy, an angel saved me!?’”

            Dean was blushing furiously. “Whatever, bitch!”

            “Jerk,” Sam said amiably. “Now come on, eat up. We’ve got work to do, lovebirds.”

            “You’re going to be insufferable about this, aren’t you?” Dean groaned, sitting down and holding Cas’ hand.

            “After you made me watch your nonsense for almost seven years? Yes.”

            Dean scowled at him.

            “But dearest,” Cas told Dean with a flash of inspiration, “we can just be insufferable back.”

            Dean grinned evilly. “I like the way you think, angel. After all, he wants us together. What better activity than planning…projects together?”

            Sam shook his head. “I didn’t think this through, did I?”

            “Nope.”

            Sam served them both eggs. “Whatever. I can take you both on.” He froze at the sound of approaching footsteps. Cas’ shoulders tightened as Lucifer and his Father joined them. Sam didn’t even look at them. Head down, he sat with his breakfast, trying to eat.

            Cas didn’t know what to say or do. What must his Father think of him? All the mistakes, all the ruin…letting Lucifer out?

            “Hey Cas, did you see I got my amulet back?” Dean said, louder than strictly necessary given that Cas was almost sitting in his lap. He tapped his chest, where Cas saw the amulet for the first time. “Sammy’s hung onto it all this time. Pretty nice of him, huh? Given that I threw it away.”

            Sam blushed.

            “I am glad that you have it again,” Cas said sincerely. He was puzzled though.

            “I know, confusing, right? It’s not glowing. Turns out he can turn it off.” Dean jammed his thumb in Chuck’s direction, who looked uncomfortable. “Just like he did when you were looking for him. You remember that, during the Apocalypse? Funny, right? Especially since you were looking for him so he could sort out the archangels, _his kids_ , and protect the humans who had no part in the entire damn mess. To save humanity, which I’m pretty damn sure is exactly what he told you to in some kind of Divine Commandment.”

            Cas stared at Dean in shock.

            “Course, I don’t know if he could have stopped them,” Sam chimed in. “Michael was a Class A Asshole, and he just wanted the excuse for power. He explained that very…carefully.” Sam traced the scar on his palm. “And Lucifer had the Mark of Cain driving him. No wonder he wanted to destroy the world; it must have carried part of Amara. She would have been pissed off enough to transmit that rage at Creation through the key, right? And we’ve found out as long as the Mark of Cain exists, it still influences its Bearers. Cain himself was proof of that.” Sam glared at Lucifer, his head held high. “I’m not excusing what you did to anyone, especially me. You chose to hurt everyone. Dean stopped himself from killing me and Cas. But Chuck? You’ve got to stop locking people up. It…does things to them. At the very least, would you mind sticking around long enough to deal with them?”

            Cas couldn’t hide his pride. He smiled at both Winchesters. “Thank you,” he whispered.      

            “No problem,” Sam said. “You’ve done the same for us.”

            “So here’s what we’re going to do right now,” Dean said to Chuck. “You’re going to put Lucifer somewhere in here; don’t lock him up, but I don’t want him near my family while we have breakfast. Then you and Cas are going to talk and you’re going to answer every question he has. And _then_ we’ll talk strategy.”

            “You dare—” Lucifer snarled.

            “Yeah, we do.” Sam said. “We’re Team Free Will.”

            “What?” Cas said. He’d never heard of that.

            Dean actually laughed. “Sorry, baby, I guess you were out.”

            “He _was_ Mr. Comatose, Dean,” Sam reminded him, grinning.

            Cas didn’t understand, but he watched in awe as Chuck motioned to Lucifer and Lucifer actually went. He squeezed Dean’s hand. “Thank you.”

            “You’re welcome. Pass the pepper?”

            “That’s the salt,” Cas said, confused.

            Dean glared at Sam, who whistled.

            “It is the pepper,” Dean explained. “Sammy bought _white_ pepper for some damn reason.”

            “For hilarity,” Sam explained. “Dean put too much on his fries. It was really funny. Want to see the video, Cas?”

            Cas leaned forward to watch while Dean bitched and the eggs got cold but it didn’t matter, because he was home again and this time it was for real.


	4. Epilogue: Father and Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chuck and Cas get to have a little talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No I'm not bitter at all that this didn't happen in the show. Why do you ask?

“Do you want us to come with you?” Dean asked.

            With the breakfast dishes washed, Cas had headed for the door. He knew that his father was in the library; could sense him easily.

            “No thank you,” Cas said. “I have to do this part alone. But thank you.”

            “You need us, yell,” Sam said.

            “You do the same.” Cas said. He wasn’t at all comfortable with Lucifer being anywhere near the Winchesters, but Dean had been telling the truth. Lucifer had no angelic powers right now. He could attack physically,  but the last fair fight he’d had with Sam, Sam had won.

            “Go on, Cas,” Sam said, nodding. “We’ll be okay.”

            Cas made his way down to the library, startled by how calm he felt. Sam and Dean’s outbursts had reminded him that his father had deeds to answer for too. They weren’t equals, of course they weren’t. But he wasn’t alone in error.

            He knocked on the door.

            “Come in, Castiel.”

            His father was standing next to a bookshelf. He turned when he saw Cas, and for a moment Cas could believe that it was still the prophet. But divinity was leaking through, and it was clear that the body was a vessel, nothing more.

            “Did he ever exist?” Cas asked.

            “I was born as him,” Chuck answered. “I was about…fifteen or so when I realized my Godhood.”

            “When Sam and Dean were born.”

            “Exactly. Castiel—Cas. I suppose that’s what you go by now.”

            “That is closer to who I am,” Cas answered. “You may use either. You are the one who named me.”

            Chuck nodded. “Yes, I did. You understand why I left?”

            “I understand better now,” Cas said, wincing as he remembered the heady power of being God, the crushing responsibility. “But I don’t understand why you let me look for you in vain. Why you let me die beside you.”

            Chuck flinched. “The answer to those questions are the same. I didn’t want to get involved.”

            “You created the problem.”

            “And that’s why I didn’t want to deal with it! Look, I tried to help. I knew you were the Winchester’s best help, the world’s best hope. So I brought you back. And I tried to save them, but I couldn’t interfere too much.”

            “The world was going to die!”

            “And maybe that was for the best!” Chuck threw his hands in the air. “I clearly made something awful, maybe it was better to let them all destroy each other.”

            Cas couldn’t believe his ears. “You let innocent people suffer and die because you were frustrated?!”

            “Innocent people were suffering and dying long before the Apocalypse! No matter what I did, humanity continued to be depraved. Oh, don’t misunderstand me, Castiel, I know that I should have done more. But I didn’t know what to do, and I was tired. So I backed off completely, and I hoped that you would all sort it out.”

            “That’s not fair.”

            “Life isn’t fair, that was one of the rules I made.” Chuck rubbed a hand over his face. “I’m not playing Sims, Cas. I have no cheat codes, and there are no forums for creating a world. I did get fed up. And even with my years of being human, I couldn’t…I couldn’t find the solution within me.”

            “You could have told us that.” Cas was numb. “You could have explained. You could have pretended that you care.”

            “Oh Cas, I do care. About all of you. That’s why it was ripping me apart. I started to think—well, I thought Amara might have been right to try and destroy the place. Maybe I wasn’t the right person to make the world. I wasn’t enough to be God.”

            “But you are God. You are our _Father_. Just because you fucked up doesn’t mean you get to stop trying.”

            “You’re right.” Chuck looked him in the eye for the first time. “You’re right, Cas, and somehow I’ve had sons and daughters who have proved this. I have created humans who have that knowledge at their core. I have no excuse for what I have done, only an explanation.”

            Cas looked down.

            “I didn’t let you find me because I didn’t want to be found, Cas. Not by anyone, and especially not by you.”

            Cas winced.

            “Because you would have forced me to realize I was wrong, Cas.” Chuck was right in front of him then, tilting his chin up. “You’re right, Cas. You’ve made mistakes, but you are forgiven for them. You were always trying to fix them. And you should have had my guidance.”

            “It would have been nice,” Cas whispered, trying to hold back sudden tears.

            Chuck carefully drew him close, and Cas let himself be held. “You are amazing, my son,” Chuck whispered. “You have continued to fight after losing nearly everything, and you still have love in your heart. I do not deserve your forgiveness, but I swear I will work to earn it so long as I am still alive.”

            Cas felt a flash of panic. “You aren’t going to sacrifice yourself, are you?”

            Chuck shook his head. “Your boyfriend talked me out of that in pretty strong terms. But there is a chance I will die. And if that happens, I want you to know that I love you, I am proud of you, and that I am sorry.”

            “I needed you,” Cas whispered into his shoulder. “We all did. But I understand that kind of exhaustion. You must keep fighting, Father. Always. Will you?”

            “I promise. And do not fear for your family. Sam and Dean are nearly past the worst part of their stories. If the world continues, you will see them happy.”

            Cas smiled. “Let’s work to make that happen. You created a good world, Father. Even the cruellest times in human history had moments of kindness and mercy. Let’s give them a chance to have more of the latter.”

            “I believe you will,” Chuck replied. “Let’s go, Castiel. After you.”

            Cas walked out of the library…and bumped immediately into Sam and Dean. They didn’t even apologize, just put their arms around his shoulders and led him to the front room. Lucifer sat in a chair, a curious look on his face.

            Dean pulled Cas down on his lap and ignored Sam’s eye-roll. “Alright. Where do we go from here?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there you have it! I love Team Free Will's dynamic, and I honestly believe that if Cas ever met John Winchester in person it would be an MMA smackdown before anyone could blink.   
> Cheers,  
> Acme


End file.
